Jan 27

Luck

Though I have repeatedly told my kids that there is no such thing as luck, my youngest daughter will still occasionally either make or give me something to take with me “for luck.”

The current item, which I have carried with me now for two winters, is a buckeye. I used to wear a bead bracelet she made me, but it frequently got in my way while working.

I bring this up so I can tell you the following story:

A couple of years ago I went on a float trip with some of the men in our church. While I am not a strong swimmer [read: I am desperately hydrophobic],  I still enjoy boating on bodies of water I can see the bottom of.

I was in a canoe with Tim, an ex-Marine (though some contend there is no such thing as an “ex” Marine). The pastor and Forrest were in another canoe, and Bruce and his son Travis were in a third canoe.

This is the way I remember what happened: the Pastor fired an opening salvo, saying something about how they were in the lead because they were the Navy, and how we were trailing because we were the Marines. So Tim and I kicked in the afterburners and blew past the S.S. Pastor.

While we were still speeding ahead, we came to a partially submerged stump, almost in the exact center of the river. I was in the bow, and I had to make a snap decision: left or right. I chose left, the opposite of right. You know what else is the opposite of right?

We were slightly right of the stump when I guided us left, and then I found that the heretofore lazy river was moving quite swiftly at this point. I found it out because the current pushed the canoe immediately sideways, and I was thrown immediately overboard.

I have already mentioned that I am not a strong swimmer. It was a blazing hot day, and, like an idiot, I wasn’t wearing my lifejacket.

I managed to control my phobia keep my presence of mind and swim upwards with my hands above my head to keep me from banging it on the bottom of the canoe, which I then climbed into.

So, in the end, wasn’t it a lucky bracelet?

No. No, it wasn’t.

There is no such thing as luck.

But I still keep the bracelet.

Jan 25

Black Beans and Rice

It might surprise you that I like to cook. I’m not the best, but I do all right. Here is my recipe for turning a box dinner into an awesome dinner:

Ingredients:

  • 7 oz Box Zatarain’s New Orleans Style Black Beans and Rice
  • 8 oz (1/2 package) Johnsonville New Orleans Andouille recipe spicy smoked sausage
  • 7.5 oz (1/2 package) of  Hormel thick cut bone-in smoked pork chops
  • 10 oz can Ro-Tel
  • 1 large onion
  • 3 celery stalks
  • 2 bay leaves
  • 2 TBL butter
  • dash of Worcestershire sauce
  • 2 3/4 cups water

Hardware:

  • cutting board
  • sharp knife
  • 2 quart pot
  • skillet
  • cereal bowl

Instructions:

  1. Put water, butter, bay leaves, Ro-Tel, and a dash of Worcestershire sauce in pot to simmer
  2. Cut the sausages in half lengthwise and then cut into bite-size pieces and add to water
  3. Chop onion into small pieces and put into one of the cereal bowls
  4. Cut the celery stalks lengthwise and then into bite-size pieces and add to onions in cereal bowl
  5. Heat up your skillet on high heat with a blob of bacon grease or olive oil in it
  6. Cut up pork chops into bite-size pieces and put in the skillet
  7. You just want to brown the pork chop pieces, then drop them into the pot
  8. Turn up the heat on the pot to high
  9. Now brown the onion and celery, and drop them into the pot
  10. Once the pot is boiling, add the package of beans & rice, stir it in, and turn the heat to low
  11. Cook about 25 minutes, stirring occasionally to prevent sticking. If after 25 minutes it is still kind of soupy, I would cook it some more.
  12. Remove from heat and let stand 5 minutes, then serve.

Notes:

  1. You can use less meat to save money. You can also use ham, if you like. I have used caribou once, but it wasn’t as good.
  2. You can make the dish more spicy by using the Ro-Tel with habaneros.
  3. You can omit the celery if you wish
  4. You can also just combine everything without browning any of the ingredients; it’s up to you.
  5. Be sure not to eat the bay leaves.
  6. Andouille is pronounced “AHN-doo-ee.”

Jan 23

Jeyson stories

My friends Jeyson has a funny way of telling stories. Not ha-ha funny, but peculiar funny.

He starts with a brilliant opening that draws you in:

“One time in college, me and Bill and Toby went hiking high in the mountains of Nepal.”

Then he builds it up:

“When we camped that night, we heard this deep, loud howling noise. When we woke up the next morning we found the strangest tracks.”

Now at this point, you think the story is just getting to the climax. But–Jeyson stops talking.

“So what happened?” you ask.

“What?” he says.

“What made the tracks? What was that howling?”

Now he delivers the denouement.

“Oh. The tracks were Toby’s.”

And that is when you realize that you will never find out what that howling was.

Jan 21

Making it right

As an apology to moviegoers everywhere, M. Night Shyamalan has been touring the country visiting with people and offering to make things right with everyone who saw The Happening–by letting them kick him in the crotch.

“I figure I have it coming,” said a hobbling Shyamalan. “That movie really was a turd sandwich.”

Shyamalan is referring to his 2008 movie The Happening, in which plants force some people to commit suicide.

“Really, if you think about it, the film is kind of autobiographical: the movie is kind of like the plants, and it, like, makes people prefer death to life. Or at least, death to watching The Happening.”

Shyamalan said this right before he was doubled over by a hefty middle-aged woman.

“What I meant to say was, I am so sorry.”

We are too.

Jan 21

Little Known Fact: Lee Greenwood

Unknown to most people, country music star Lee Greenwood is not American, but Canadian.

The misnomer caused further confusion when Greenwood released his 1983 hit, which most people misunderstand to be “God Bless the U.S.A.” In fact, the real title, which reflects his native dialect, is “God Bless the U.S., Eh?”

Jan 19

Jiggery-pokery

n. Underhanded scheming or behavior; cheating.

Yes, it’s a real word, and not just a Wizard Swear.

Jan 19

Review: Worst movie I saw in 2008

I have found that it is certainly much easier to write a list than to actually try to assemble words into sentences and sentences into words, so on that note:

The Top Ten Six Reasons why M. Night Shyamalan’s The Happening Is Terrible
(contains spoilers, but they aren’t as spoily as watching this movie)

  1. Zooey Deschanel has only one expression.
  2. Though an eight year-0ld child is one of the central characters, no-one around her including her father makes any attempt to shield her from the plethora of people committing suicide in grisly detail right in front of her.
  3. The crazy old lady at the end of the movie served no purpose whatsoever.
  4. While dozens of other people go through elaborate, calculated planning in order to commit suicide in the most painful way possible, the aforementioned crazy old lady tries to commit suicide by walking into a wall. Repeatedly.
  5. Apparently plants don’t like nuclear power. They appear to be fine with hydroelectric power (which drowns vast acres of plants), coal (which causes acid rain), and solar (which creates amazing toxins in the photovoltaic cell creation process). But not nuclear power (which vents water into the air).
  6. At the end of the movie when Mark Wahlberg and Zooey Deschanel walk outside despite the fact that not only are they possibly damning themselves to suicide, but they are also damning an eight year-old girl to the same fate.

Jan 12

Zounds!

If you are a fan of Spaceman Spiff from the old Calvin & Hobbes comics, you know this word. It is one of those comic-book-sounding exclamations, akin to Great Scott! that you never hear anyone use in real life.

You probably wouldn’t liken it to taking God’s name in vain, however the word actually dates to the 1600s, and is a contraction of the words God’s wounds!

Don’t ask me how I came to look this up; I don’t remember.

Jan 09

Review: Trouble is My Business

troubleismybusiness

While I was at my in-laws over Christmas, I picked up Trouble is My Business, a collection of four short Philip Marlowe stories by my favorite detective novelist, Raymond Chandler.

If you haven’t read Chandler, he writes very economically, kind of the Anti-Tolkien. Where Tolkien might include the names of a landmark in three languages as well as its history and etymology, Chandler gives you just enough to get a picture in your head and then moves on. 

That’s not to say he has no sense of style with his words; while he didn’t invent the hard-boiled detective story, he does a brilliant one, complete with the kind of metaphors you find in Tracer Bullet comics.

The book was excellent for the most part. It contained the stories Trouble is My Business, Finger Man, Goldfish, and Red Wind, and the stories go in order from worst to best.

I only use the word ‘worst’ because while I really like Chandler’s stripped down writing style, Trouble is My Business kind of abuses the privilege. Still good, just not great like the other three.

Jan 09

No Comment

You may have noticed I have disabled comments on my blog.

That is because I don’t care what you think.

Just kidding.

The real reason is this: having previously been the webmeister and moderator for messageboards, I have seen that civil discussion online is impossible, even among good people and good friends.

While I did say ‘online,’ I am not blaming the technology; the prophet stated it nicely in Jeremiah 17:9:

“The heart is deceitful above allthings, and desperately wicked: who can know it?” (KJV)

No matter how courteous a community starts, it eventually devolves into a Godwin’s Law supernova.

Plus, I don’t have to deal with spam, and I simply don’t have the time of inclination to do the administrative work.