Jun 17

Timmy’s cough

Warning: this story is not for the squeamish.

My friend Timmy was driving down the road. He was also just getting over a cold, and he had to cough. When he coughed, he coughed up some phlegm. While he would have normally just spat it out the window, he hesitated, as he had just washed his car.

“I’ll just hold it in my mouth until I get to the light, then spit it out,” he thought.

But the thought of the phlegm on his tongue grossed him out and made him gag. When he gagged, he coughed again, and accidentally spat  the phlegm onto his pants. He reached down to get something to wipe his pants off, and when he did, hit the curb and blew out his tire.

The first time Jimmy told me this, I laughed so hard I could hardly walk; I even LOL’d again as I was writing this.

I don’t usually try to moralize any of the stories I post here; I just record them. However, I can think of two quotes that apply really well here. The first, from Uncle Remus (pulled completely out context):

“Big man, little man, spit where you please.”

And the second and more applicable, from Mel Brooks:

“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.”

Jun 15

Paul & Barnabas

Q: How do you know that Paul and Barnabas were Baptists?

A: Acts 15:39 “And there arose a sharp disagreement, so that they separated from each other.”

Jun 09

#$@*!

Several years ago Jimmy, Timmy, and I were discussing profanity. Jimmy, who almost never uses profanity, mentioned this:

“I don’t like to swear; however, I really like the word ‘#$@*!‘ It just sounds cool.”

Later in the day while we were getting ready to leave for lunch, Jimmy was taking a long time and we were standing around waiting for him.

“Man, he’s taking forever,” I said.

“Yeah,” said our mutual friend Timmy. “He’s a #$@*!”

 

Note: names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Jun 08

Quotable: Calvin Coolidge

“Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. 
Talent will not; nothing in the world is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. 
Genius will not; unrewarded genius is a proverb. 
Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. 
Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.”

Jun 07

What’s in a name?

Most people are familiar with the Biblical story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego

It’s funny that some people in the Bible are referred to by their Hebrew names, and others by their Greek or Babylonian names. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego are the false-god-honoring Babylonian names given to three Jewish captives: Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah, respectively.

Meanwhile, Daniel (in whose book these men appear) is known primarily by his Hebrew name, Daniel, instead of his Babylonian name Belteshazzar.

Daniel means ‘God is my judge.’ While my given name is Daniel, I have gone by Dan for most of my adult life. It’s much more concise.

However, in changing my name, I have changed its meaning as well: by removing El (God), I am left only with Dan, which means ‘judge.’

I’m sure that after I am famous someone will read something into this, but the truth, as usual, is more boring: it just sounds cooler.

Jun 06

My first book

The first book I remember buying was The Magic Pudding. I got it at a book sale in Metcalf South Mall when I was about 4 or 5, which probably helps explain my love of cheap used bookstores.

I never did read the book; I bought it because I liked the illustrations (I had not yet been forced into literacy, and consequently, book addiction).

For years I looked for it, but could never find any trace of its existence. Finally, a couple of years ago I googled it. Turns out its a classic in its homeland of Australia, and the complete title is The Magic Pudding: Being The Adventures of Bunyip Bluegum and his friends Bill Barnacle and Sam Sawnoff .

I plan to get it again someday (yes, I know I could download it from Gutenberg.org for free, but the fact is, I like to hold real books in my hand). When asked about the Amazon Kindle last year, designer Chip Kidd stated the concept this way:

“What no one seems to get through their thick skulls,
even after untold millions of dollars have been wasted on the concept:
PEOPLE DON’T WANT TO READ BOOKS ON A SCREEN.”

Jun 05

Three crosses

My dad had a funny sense of humor. One time we were passing a church with three crosses on it, and he made this observation:

“You know, that one thief went straight to Hell, but he still gets his cross on the church.”

Jun 04

Quotable: Daniel Seaman

“I have to admire the residents of Iroquois territory for assuming that they have a right to determine where Jews should live in Jerusalem.”

–Israeli Government Press Director Daniel Seamen, commenting on the Obama administration’s demand that Israel stop building in areas it acquired in the Six Day War.

Jun 03

Review: the Case of the Hard-Boiled Dicks

 

John Blumenthal’s The Case of the Hard-Boiled Dicks is supposed to be a spoof of hard-boiled detective novels. The cover has a number of visual puns (hard-boiled eggs, a stiff wearing shoes with gum on the bottom), and the humor inside doesn’t get much better.

A really good spoof understands the material being mocked; this book does not. It appears that that author felt all of hard-boiled detective fiction could be summed up with the simile “she had legs that wouldn’t quit–not even on [insert gag reference].” It’s sad that I have just written roughly a quarter of the book’s contents with that last sentence.

The book reads like it was written by the guys who directed Airplane!

No, that’s not a compliment.

case_of_the_hardboiled_dick

Jun 02

Review: Up

Last night I saw Pixar’s latest movie, Up

It was brilliant. For those of you who either haven’t seen it or, hopefully, haven’t even seen the trailers, I will just say this: go see it.

Personally, I try not to watch trailers anymore, as it seems some of Hollywood’s most talented people make awesome trailers for crummy movies, and you have preconceived notions about what is going to happen when you see the movie.

At any rate, Up is awesome.

However, it may make you very angry. Let me explain.

When you see a movie like Up, you realize what the problem with the movie industry really is: it’s that most movies stink.

Or in the cases of Paul Blart: Mall Cop or Monsters vs. Aliens, they stink like a rotting squid corpse filled with pig sewage sitting in the sun in August in Missouri.

The reason you may be angry after watching Up is that you realize every movie should be this good. Every movie made today with even an average budget should make you that happy to go to the movies.

And when it’s a bad movie (see previous paragraph), you feel ripped off. Much like when a sequel doesn’t live up to its previous chapters (yes, I’m looking at you Ghostbusters 2, MIB 2, Hellboy 2, Indy 4, and Pirates of the Caribbean 2 & 3).

At any rate, the reason Up is so great is this: Pixar’s vicious dedication to delivering a great, focused story with characters you actually care about.