Nov 26

Thanksgiving

Some of my happiest memories are from Thanksgivings past. Family gathered together preparing and then eating a ton of food. Stories told over the dinner table about this cousin or that uncle. Playing various card or board games way into the night.

This Thanksgiving will be bittersweet for me though; as some of you know my mother passed away this year and this is our first big family holiday without her. We are going to be with my Dad in Osceola and I know there will be times when remembering will lead to many tears. I miss her but am glad that her pain is gone and she is with our Lord in Heaven. But I can’t stop wishing that we could have had her for just a bit longer.

My little sister will be giving birth in June of next year and Mom won’t be there. She won’t get to see her granddaughters graduate or get married. She won’t be there for me to call when I just need someone to lean on. She won’t be there for me to hug, tease, or joke with. But she is always in my heart. 

I challenge all of you reading this to give a hug to all your relatives, even weird Aunt Bessie, because this might be the last Thanksgiving you have with them. Get over your petty arguments and disagreements that have been going on for years. Be happy that they are part of your heritage and remember those that are gone from you now.

I plan on remembering my mother by telling lots of funny stories that she was involved in and giving lots of hugs to those relatives who remain.

And I can’t lie: I will be shedding lots of tears also.

I love you mom and will always miss you and your smile.

Nov 25

Cake or death

Once, Heather and the girls went out of town for Thanksgiving; I was stuck at home because I had to work. But before Heather left, she made a chocolate cake. So I had cake for breakfast that first day. When I came home for lunch, I didn’t feel like cooking, so I had chocolate cake for lunch, too. After I got home from work, why cook for just one person? So I had chocolate cake for dinner.

After that, Heather wouldn’t leave without making sure someone would feed me.

Nov 23

Pyrrhic victory

n., a victory won at too great a cost too great to make it worthwhile.

A long time ago my wife-to-be and I were heading back to our apartment from her parents’ house on a gravel road. I was driving, and Heather was nagging. She had quickly tired of my driving, and I had quickly tired of her nagging.

“You’re going to kill us!” she yelled.

So I threw off my seat belt and replied:

“ME FIRST!”

Nov 20

Best 4th of July ever

My favorite 4th of July memory happened the summer after I turned 12. We were over at the house of one of my Dad’s friends, a loud German guy named Bob. Bob lived in Kansas, and despite the state’s reputation for flatness, Bob lived on an amazingly steep hill. Both his front and back yards sloped down to meet, forming a small valley for a side yard.

Bob’s adult son, Kevin, was there, and so was Kevin’s friend, Kirby. Kirby was a big, round guy with big, round glasses and he drove a Volkswagen Super Beetle. The two were nearly indistinguishable (not Kevin and Kirby; Kirby and the VW).

This particular 4th of July Kevin and Kirby were setting off M-80s in the side yard valley. What they would do is light the M-80, then put an old Ford hubcap on top of it, and run. The hubcap would fly 50 or 60 feet in the air. It was awesome. I was parentally disallowed to get near for fear I might have fun, so I had to watch from the hill at the front. Anyway, after they had done it about half a dozen times, the Ford hubcap went way up–and disappeared. We couldn’t find it anywhere. They still had a few M-80s, so they had to scrounge around for something to replace the hubcap.

Before I continue, let me set the scene: Dad and Bob are in the basement in Bob’s shop welding something. Mom and all the rest of the kids are somewhere. Kevin and Kirby are in the side yard valley. And out front on the hill are me, and Kevin’s mom Mary. I’m standing, and Mary is sitting in a folding lawn chair, and we’re both watching Kevin and Kirby.

Kevin and Kirby place the M-80 on the ground. Kevin lights it, Kirby covers it with a 2′ cardboard box, and Kevin puts a cinder block on top of the box, and they both run for it.

This next part happened in slow motion:

The M-80 exploded, blowing the box apart in the process. Chunks of cardboard flew in all directions. It looked awesome. But one particularly large piece flew straight at Mary. From her lawn chair she did one of those sideways-action-movie-slow-motion-jumps, complete with the, “Noooooooooooooo!”

Even as I write this post, 25 years after the fact, I’ve literally laughed out loud twice.

Nov 18

1/3 Million Mile Mazda

My little 1991 Mazda Protégé/323 hit 1/3 of a million miles last week. I bought the car when it had 188,912 miles on it, and I’ve put the remaining miles on over the last 5 ½ years. It’s my second Mazda (my first was a 1983 GLC–also awesome). This is the most miles I have ever put on a car–especially for never having had any engine work done on it.

Good job, Mazda.

mazda_333333

Nov 16

But I won’t do that

1993 saw the out-of-nowhere comeback of Meat Loaf with his hit I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That).

According to Mr. Loaf, ‘What is “that?” is one of the questions he is most frequently asked, and Jim Steinman, the songwriter, says that there are several clues as to what ‘that‘ is in the 37 verses of the 14-minute song.

SPOILERS FOLLOW:

To save you all a lot of trouble, I will just tell you what ‘that’ is:

the dishes.

Nov 14

Buying a stove shouldn’t be this hard, pt. 1

The oven went out in our Frigidaire gas range (this was after the clock went out a couple years ago–it’s been the worst appliance I’ve ever owned), so we finally broke down and went shopping for a new range.

We were looking for a prosumer gas convection range, as Heather does a lot of baking. They run from around $800-$2,000.

We went to Lowe’s since we already have a Lowe’s card. The appliance guy at the Lowe’s in Independence was very helpful, however, they don’t deliver out to the boonies where we live. So we went to the Lowe’s in Warrensburg. After 20 minutes of wandering around the appliances, we couldn’t find anyone to help us. I told Heather I was ready to leave, but she said I was just being impatient.

After another five minutes of wandering, we found the appliance guy. He was talking to another Lowe’s guy about something. It must have been important, because he was oblivious to us.

Then Heather was ready to leave, and we lit out (after Heather informed the front desk of her displeasure).

It turned out to be fortuitous. After searching around online, I found the same range we had planned to order from Lowe’s $150 cheaper at Best Buy, with even better financing. So I signed up for a card and ordered it.

Part 2

Part 3

Nov 13

Pineapple

When I was 14 my dad came home with a fresh pineapple (or as fresh as you can get in Missouri). It was the first time I ever had fresh pineapple, and it was amazing. Between me, Dad, and my three brothers, it was too-soon devoured.

But there was still plenty of pineapple core left, just sitting there on the cutting board. As if guessing my intent, Dad cautioned:

“Don’t eat that core.”

What did he know? The problem was that the pineapple core looked so good.

So when he went to do something else, I tried a little piece; it tasted even better than the pineapple itself had. So I ate the rest of the core.

That night I had the absolute worst stomach pains I had had in my whole life, and I haven’t had its equal since. It felt like some was taking my stomach and wringing it out like a wet towel. With a vise. Remember that scene in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom where Mola Ram makes him drink that stuff out of the skull, and he lay convulsing all night? I wished I could have had it that easy.

So why didn’t I listen to my Dad? I don’t know.

Just because he spent a year in Hawaii didn’t mean he knew anything about pineapple.

Nov 11

“I hope you have a horrible vacation.”

That was the last thing I heard when I left work last Wednesday.

I take my vacation in late October every year so I can enjoy Missouri’s beautiful autumns. Or at least, with the intent to do so. So far every year I planned to go hiking, floating, or caving. So far every year I don’t.

I used my first day of vacation taking my daughter back to the doctor and then took about three hours snaking our sewer drain. I was stuck in the classic conundrum between spending my vacation time unplugging the sewer, or spending my vacation money hiring a plumber.

It turns out I had to do both.

But as they say, things can always be worse. For instance, you could wake up at 5 in the morning with a scary problem and, after canceling your float trip, spend your next two beautiful November days in the hospital getting stabbed in the belly and starved and depilated. For the uninformed, depilated means, “removing hair,” as in, “getting your chest hair ripped out.”

But it wasn’t all bad; I got to learn a lot about my roommate’s bladder. At 12 in the morning. And at 1. And at 3.

Nov 03

Update

I’m in the hospital, and have been for the last two days. I hope to get out today.

I will update more when I can say something funny without being acrimonious.