Adorable

We just got our Christmas card from my friend Kaleb and Mrs. Kaleb. Of course it has a picture of their baby on it. They have the World’s Most Adorable Baby, and they don’t want you to forget it. Every few months they find some occasion to send out a new card:

Our New Baby!

Merry Christmas!

Happy Yom Kippur!

It’s Canada Day!

It wouldn’t be so bad if they wouldn’t rub it in our faces (the cuteness, not the actual baby).

Their baby is so cute even Kaleb’s mom accidentally broke mom-protocol and hinted that Kaleb was not quite as cute when he was a baby.

“She’s so cute! Compared to her Kaleb was as ugly as sin waking up in the morning after a turpentine hangover on Monday!”

It’s not that I mind pictures of cute babies. In fact, I’ve glued all the pictures they have sent over my own children’s faces on all of their pictures, though things do get a little Brazil-esque as the girls get older.

But the real problem is Mrs. MadMan. Nothing fires up the “I Need Another Baby” boiler like seeing Kaleb’s Adorable Baby.

“Awwwww,” she starts. “We need another baby!”

“We have a baby,” I reply, “And she’s 13. It’s too late to have another one.”

This logic does nothing to sway her, so I continue.

“Besides, I know this baby. I’ve seen what she can do. I was there–at Apple Butter Day.”

At the aforementioned Day the little one had released such a poopsplosion that they had to take all of her clothes and put them in a bag and tie that bag to the outside of the car. And then they had to burn the car.

But it’s not like I’m unwilling to compromise. I told Heather we could have a baby if she could convince Mr. & Mrs. K to give her their baby.

Whaddaya say, guys?

Hubbly-bubbly

n. South-African colloquialism for a hookah.

Overheard: 32 yr old male

“How much caffeine is in that Excedrin? ‘Cuz I am trippin’ out right now! I never do caffeine!”

Lookin’ for Chinese in the all the wrong places

A couple Fridays ago at work we ordered Chinese from China Dragon; it had been a long week and we had taken a real beating and we deserved some takeout. Rob called to order our food at 11 a.m., and we waited. And waited. By noon they still hadn’t arrived. I was starved, but I didn’t want to eat just in case they showed up. I left my desk to go complete some work.

While I was gone Rob had called and asked where our food was. Somehow, they couldn’t find our eight-story, six-building campus. At 1:30pm the owner drove back out with our food.

No, not fresh food; our food that we ordered at 11am that had been transported somewhere in town and back to sit on the counter for another 90 minutes.

As Rob paid for our order the owner spoke up.

“You got microwave?”

“Yeah,” said Rob.

“Good! You gonna need it!”

Update: this China Dragon is distinctly different from the China Dragon in Concordia, Missouri.

Happy Birthday Mrs. MadMan

It’s Mrs. MadMan’s birthday today, and I have now known her for literally half her life.

17 Years Ago Today

I saw my wife for the first time.

MadMania’s Two Year Anniversary

Two years ago yesterday my TV died and this blog was born. I never thought I’d stick with it this long; I tend to have these creative bursts where I want to learn how to do something, and then once I learn it, I get bored and move on to something else. Once in a while, though, it sticks. While I no longer draw or watercolor, I now enjoy cooking, leather-working, book-making, and blogging.

For those of you who have hung in there, thanks.

To both of you.

Overheard: teenage girl and guy

Girl: Tweetie Bird is a boy

Guy: What? My life is a lie!

One More Ride: Chapter 1: Down and Out

The doorbell was ringing.

Again.

Norville Rogers walked from his study in the back of the house around the left staircase, across the parquet floor, past the marble Venus to the front door. He stood there a moment as the bell continued ringing. He took a deep breath, blew it out, and finally answered the door, cheerily greeting his guest.

“Hey, Fred. How’s it going?”

“Lousy. As usual.”

Fred had obviously been drinking. As usual.

“Come on in, Fred,” said Norville, cheer ebbing. “I’ll get you something to eat.”

Fred shuffled in and followed his old friend to the dining room, where Norville set meats, cheeses, lettuce, tomato, onion, bread, and condiments on the table.

“How come after all this time you still don’t have a servant to do this for ya?” asked Fred.

“Aw, come on, Fred. We’ve been over this. I like doing things for myself.”

Fred looked irritated. He was in a bad mood, and he wanted to share his misery.

“I guess I’d wanna do things for myself too, if I was used to people doing things for me all day long.”

Norville sighed; they’d done this so many times. Despite their friendship of twenty odd years and Norville’s continuing good will, Fred still resented him. The first time he had voiced it, it had hurt Norville considerably. That was five years ago. Now, it just rolled off. It rolled off Fred’s tongue, as easy as saying ‘hello,’ and it rolled off Norville’s back just the same.

Usually.

“Nope. You wouldn’t let anyone do anything for you, would you, Fred?” Norville asked politely as he made Fred’s sandwich.

“Dang right I wouldn’t,” Fred said bitterly. “I take care of myself.”

Norville resisted the sudden urge to punch Fred in the mouth for his blatant hypocrisy.

“You haven’t taken care of yourself in three years, you lying, cheating, pathetic, alcoholic has-been!”

That was what he would say. Fred had it coming anyway. But he looked at Fred, who was already tearing into his sandwich like a man who hadn’t eaten in days. The sad thing was, it was the literal truth. Norville knew Fred spent what royalties he still received on booze. He made the long walk up Mystery Lane to Norville’s house when he didn’t have anything to eat, which was about twice a week.

Norville got mugs down and poured coffee for both of them. They sat eating in silence, Fred wolfing down his sandwich and Norville enjoying some dried fruit from the cabinet. Norville had checked the calendar this morning, mentally noted the anniversary, and had called into the office to let them know he wouldn’t be in. Now he waited.

Fred finally finished his dinner, and seemed to be in a better humor.

“That was a good sammich, Shag.”

“The name’s ‘Norville,’ Fred.”

Fred’s brief good humor was gone. He readied his vilest remark.

“You know what, Shag? You’ve sold out. You’re a sellout.”

Norville had heard this before, and he had alternately either been wounded or shrugged it off. He put down his fruit and started his reply calmly.

“You’re right, Fred. I’ve sold out. Norville Rogers has sold out to ‘the man’. Not only that, he is ‘the man’, because he knows where his next meal is coming from. He’s sold out because he owns a successful company and drives a nice car.”

Now Norville was starting to raise his voice, unconsciously, of course, but his tone of voice was moot: what he was about to say couldn’t be said in any polite way by anyone.

“But most of all Norville Rogers is a big sellout because he didn’t blow all his money on booze and repeatedly cheat on a woman who loved him more than anything until she left him all alone, a penniless broken-down derelict who has to beg for food!”

He expected Fred to get angry, and he kind of hoped he would; Norville had had his black belt for years and never gotten to try it out.

But Fred just sat there looking sad. When he spoke again, his voice had lost all its vitriol, and had a resigned quality to it.

“You’re right, Shag. It was my fault that Daph left me.”

He sighed.

“And you put up with me long past what any other friend would’ve. I’ll let myself out.”

Fred got up and walked out of the kitchen to head to the front door. He looked like a deflated balloon.

“Aw, come on, Fred. You don’t have to go.”

Norville heard the front door open and close quietly.

Chapter 2

2010 Christmas List

It’s that time of year again! The time of year when kind, considerate people ask of me a list of things I would like for Christmas, I pretend not to want anything and refuse to cooperate, and Heather jabs me with a pointed stick until I give. Stop it! I’m trying to typksnndstf!

Seriously, I get wonderful things for Christmas every year, and if you don’t see something on this year’s list it’s probably because you or someone else got it for me last year. If that was you—you are the best evah. If it was not, I’m not mad—I’m just hurt.

MadMan Dan’s Awesome Christmas List 2010 Edition

Blackthorn. Bring us…a shrubbery! I’m so sorry; I mean really—I’ve been waiting 20 years to use that sentence in a proper context. Blackthorn or sloe, a.k.a. prunus spinosa is a thorny shrub that grows in the UK, and the Irish use it to make shillelaghs. Besides being covered with toxic thorns the plant is also laden with sloe berries, with which sloe gin fizzes are made. Why do I want it? Because I’d like to make my own walking sticks, and the stuff’s darn hard to get. You can find it at forestfarm.com, and it runs about $13.

Set of 36 1/8” Marking Punches. Now that I am starting to acquire tools with which to fix things around the house, it would be nice to have some way to mark them with my name and lucky number.

Dremel. I had a Dremel once; I got it for free. Only got 14 years out of it. Dang it! Anyway, I need a new Dremel. I miss you Dremel! I’ll never forget all the good times we had, no how matter how nice my new one is!

Allied SwitchGrip Pliers. Words can’t describe how amazing these appear to be. Hold ‘em one way—they’re needle-nose pliers. Flip the handle around—they’re wire cutters. Amazing. The smaller the better.

Bhut Jolokia Chili Pepper Seeds. Grown in the jungle primeval by inmates of a Guatemalan insane asylum. Also known as ‘The Ghost Chili,’ the world’s hottest pepper.

Books

How the Fender Bass Changed the Word by Jim Roberts. This is one of my favorite history books of all time, ranking right up there with Whisp’s Quidditch Through the Ages. Seriously, I don’t know if the history presented in the book is real or not, but it makes for darn good story, I tell you whut.

Fairy Lore: A Handbook (Greenwood Folklore Handbooks) by D. L. Ashliman. I’ll tell you this: I’m not going to Ireland without this book, blackthorn be danged.

The Magic Pudding by Norman Lindsay, hardback. This was the first book I ever owned. Lindsay was from Australia, so of course the entire book is utter nonsense. But—it’s unpretentious nonsense, unlike Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland.

The New Annotated Dracula by Leslie Klinger. Presumably the nicest edition of one of the greatest books of all time.

Beowulf, translated by Burton Raffel, hardback. I remember reading that Michael Crichton (rest his gigantic zombie bones) wrote Eaters of the Dead on a dare that he couldn’t make Beowulf interesting. Whatever. Raffel’s translation is brilliant. I would like a hardback of this book, and used is fine—heck I even prefer it (especially with that old-book smell—mmmmmmmm….

Movies

Original Star Wars movies on DVD. These three movies shaped so much of my childhood, and a good portion of my adulthood. However, I got more than a little jaded with the releases of Episodes 1-3, and the Special Editioning of Star Wars, Empire, and Jedi. However, I am finally past that and ready to watch the movies again for the first time since the girls were very small. I just want whatever widescreen edition has the original, unedited, unscrewed-up versions of my childhood on them.

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. How on earth could they make a 2 hour movie out of a 3 page story? Because they’re awesome—that’s how. Buy one for yourself while you’re at it, and I promise you will love it. You deserve it.

USB to IDE/SATA 1.8, 2.5, 3.5” hard drive adapter. More of a need than a want. Runs about $20. Any brand is fine.

Wireless X-Box 360 controller. I’ve had my X-Box 360 for a year and a half and I’ve already worn one of the controllers out (cue sad music).

Apple Brood. What the heck is Brood? It’s this malt-flavored soda pop that’s bottled in Lebanon. Yes, that Lebanon. I don’t know where to order it. If you could find it in bulk, you would be winner of MadMan Dan’s Coolest Guy or Chick Ever for 2010.

Music: All Soundtracks

The Incredibles Soundtrack Score by Michael Giacchino. If you don’t think this is one of the greatest soundtracks to one of the greatest films of all time you have my pity.

Fantastic Mr. Fox Soundtrack. See above.

The Importance of Being Earnest Soundtrack by Patrick Doyle. See above.

The Misadventures of P.B. Winterbottom Soundtrack by David Stanton. I don’t know if this video game soundtrack even exists, but if it does: sweeeeeeeet!

The Oxford English Dictionary. 20 volumes of every single word in the English language dating back a thousand years. Say it slowly and let it roll off your lips: Ox-ford Eng-lish Dic-tion-ary. Mmmmm. For us logophiles it is the Holy Grail of lexical nerdery. Did I mention it costs $1,000?

USB Barcode Reader. Last year someone TOM whose name I will not mention TOM actually bought me the Delicious Monster book cataloguing software I asked for and never really thought I would receive THANKS TOM! So this little doodad would enable me to more efficiently enter books into my program. New or used, I’m easy to please.*

*ever notice that anytime someone says this, it’s a complete lie, and they turn out to be the kind of guy who writes a flipping novel for a Christmas list?