Jul 20

Vroom-vrooms

One night my wife and daughter were helping in the church nursery. Our friend’s three year old son was in there, and he was having some difficulty walking, his hands down the back of his pants.

“What are you doing?” my wife asked.

“My vroom-vrooms are in my butt!” he replied.

For those of you unaware, vroom-vrooms are underpants. You know, because they have cars on them. Vroom-vroom.

“It’s called a wedgie,” she explained.

“Wedgie?” he asked, having taken an instant liking to the word. “Wedgie wedgie wedgie wedgie!”

Jul 18

“Don’t forget to squish your cat’s head!”

I guess a lot of statements make a lot more sense when heard in context.

Our cat, Puck, came to live with us in November of 2009. Heather had fallen in love with him when she took her ugly dog to the vet (the same vet who told Heather her dog was ugly). Puck was entirely one shade of gray, even his eyes. We named him after the playful imp in Shakespeare’s Midsummer Night’s Dream. He had been taken from his mother very early, and was so tiny he fit completely in your hand. After he was old enough, we got his shots and worm treatment and he finally started to grow. Last year we took him in to get ‘tutored,’ and he bulked up a little bit. Still, he’s kind of a small cat.

All cats are weird. His special kind of weirdness is that he can’t walk more than 10 or 15 feet without flopping over on the ground. He’s so lazy / mellow that not much really seems to bother him. I’ve seen him lay down on wet cement and even snow. Besides being lazy, he likes to get into fights. He probably sneaks booze, too. We should have named him something more upstanding, I guess, but who wants a cat named ‘John Wesley?’

Anyway, Heather adopted this guy and then he adopted our youngest daughter, who spoils him. Friday when she was petting him she noticed he had kind of a soft lump on his head. So she squished it (kind of a natural impulse, I think–we used to squish that little soft spot on our baby brother’s head, but that’s probably why he is way he is, too). Puck got up and loped off to eat, where he was spotted by our oldest.

“What did you do to your cat?”

[note: the following is not fit for the squeamish]

 

The youngest ran in to take a look. That soft spot on his head was full of pus, which was oozing over his head. Both girls worked to get him cleaned up as they gagged. When I came home they had me take a look at him. I put alcohol on his head until I could tell he felt it and we let him go. I looked up online how to treat this better, and found a few helpful tips as well as a handy tip for helping to prevent this, as it typically shows up in male cats: get him fixed. So much for that.

The next day the bump was back and into the vet he went. The vet pulled the hair off of the bump and then, like our daughter, squished the bump and an even more unholy amount of pus came out. Then he got a shot and the daughter got a bottle of nasty drops to give him.

Before we dropped the kids off Saturday so we could go to the store, Heather called out to make sure Puck got his vet-prescribed medical care:

“Don’t forget to squish your cat’s head!”

Jul 16

Overheard: 38 year old male

On sitting in a leather overstuffed chair: “It’s like getting a hug from a really fat man.”

Jul 07

One more pic from the Star Wars: Episode VII set

Here is a pic of the full set, unobstructed by yours truly:

Jul 04

On the set of Star Wars: Episode VII

Recently I got to visit the set of the newest film in the Star Wars franchise. Here is a pic of me on the set; it was pretty much as exciting as you might expect:

Jun 24

Dads

Ever wonder why your dad tend to dress funny and act uncool? I’ll tell ya.

Your dad used to be cool. In fact, I’d wager he still is, despite his outward appearances and actions. Think, McFly, think: how else did he snag your mom?

By being cool.

However, he found out something: being cool has a downside. You probably already know about the hordes of shallow friends that cool people at school have; dads don’t have that particular problem. So what is the problem that drives them to wear stupid shoes, sweater vests, polyester pants, and Brylcream?

Their daughters.

Daughters know when their dads are cool or not. And when they are, their daughters take their stuff. Ghostbusters and G.I. Joe shirts? Gone. Weathered cargo pants? Gone. Hair gel? All gone. Clear gel deodorant? Really? Even my deo? Gone, all four sticks.

Most dads handle this the way most people deal with bad stuff:

  1. Denial. “All of my cool shirts and hair gel can’t just be disappearing.”
  2. Anger. “Whoever keeps stealing all my shirts and deodorant is going to get dish duty for a week!”
  3. Blame. “You kids keep stealing my stuff!”
  4. Bargaining. “Can I please have my stuff back?”
  5. Acceptance. “I’ll just go to the Goodwill and pick up some polyester.”

Note: this strategy works as long as your kids aren’t stupid hipsters.

Jun 16

Overheard: 15 year old female

Referring to barista at Starbucks:

“Do you think if he has a girlfriend he brings her here? Cuz if so, I want to date him.”

Jun 08

Quotable: Hugo Drax

“Mr. Bond, you defy all my attempts to plan an amusing death for you.”

Jun 03

muckworm

  1. Any wormlike insect larva that lives and grows in manure.
  2. A miser

“This was, methinks too high a compliment to pass upon Nabal, to call him the man that liveth. David knew better things, that in God’s favour is life, not in the world’s smiles; and by the rough answer he was well enough served, for this too smooth address to such a muck-worm. –Matthew Henry on 1 Samuel 25

Jun 01

Review: Kung Fu Panda 2

You may remember that Kung Fu Panda made my ‘Best Movies I Saw This Year’ list of 2008. Kung Fu Panda 2 is a decent sequel. It’s not nearly as awesome as the first one, but not nearly as bad as a lot of sequels.

A minor complaint was the overuse of the slow-motion, over-wide panda mouth, which is funny maybe once or twice, but not as much as it was used in this movie. A major complaint was that where KFP was so original in that it refused to give in to so many animated feature dramatic-part-of-the-movie cliches, KFP2 shows none of that hesitance. Also, they tell you the backstory for the movie at the very beginning–and then spend 3/4 of the movie bringing Po (the panda) up to speed with what you, as the viewer, found out an hour before. It’s kind of liking watching a magic trick when you already know it’s done.

Overall, it was fine. It doesn’t rock, it doesn’t suck, it had a few laughs–it’s fine.