Jun 03

adultescent

n.; an adult who is not a grown-up. Check the NY Times for an excellent article describing the word.

Jun 01

VBS Development Diary #12: Costumes

I spent 2 hours in a fabric store yesterday and it was awesome.

Lemme ‘splain!

We were shopping for fabric for costumes. I don’t know fabric–I have always avoided any kind of textile work because it seems tedious to me–except for that one time I made a Nightcrawler plushie.

So we’re trying to find fabric for six costumes that won’t look cheezy, will be just the right pattern and shade, won’t be too hot for the actor, and won’t be too expensive. I had the opportunity to be that annoying director who doesn’t know what he wants, but will know it when he sees it.

After a few years of running VBS skits I found what every other performer probably already knows, which is that stage/film performance is a collaborative effort. This is the first year that we haven’t just pieced costumes together from what we can find at second hand stores. Mrs. Pastor made the first two costumes–the ones for the heroine and villainess. In my specifications for the villainess’s outfit I specified that I wanted it to be black silk/satin with black embroidered patterns. That fabric wasn’t available, and she tried to send me pictures of what was available, but I couldn’t see them. She just went with her gut and picked a fabric that was black satin with wide-spaced gold patterns.

When I first saw the costume, I thought, “I was expecting black on black.” But I quickly realized that what she had made was actually better than I requested, and did more to convey what I really wanted from the character–that she was a woman who was rather vain and who liked to spend money on nice clothes because she deserved them.

Anyway, we found all of the fabrics that we want to use, and all the fabrics we won’t use because they are crazy expensive ($18/yard). Now we just have to find some more patterns for our male costumes. Apparently there are only three Asian/Oriental costume patters produced in the last 40 years and we already located and purchased two of them (thanks to several hours of googling by Allison).

May 30

Denaug

The other day I was doing some tech support for some longtime customers, a couple in their mid-80s (he uses a Mac, she uses a PC).

While I was there the topic of the next bloodmobile date came up.

“They don’t like my blood,” he said.

“Why not?” I asked.

“I lived in Africa for a while, and I had malaria and denaug.”

“I’ve never heard of denaug,” I said.

“It’s like malaria,” he said, “except worse. First you’re afraid you’ll die, then you get a little better and you’re afraid you won’t.”

It turns out he was taking about dengue fever, which is also known by the Elder Scrollsy name “bonebreak fever.”

May 24

One More Ride: Chapter 4: Heat

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
 Chapter 3

Warm air gushed from the vents with the power of one of those annoying hand dryers they put in truckstop bathrooms. Norville had ridden in several Jeeps before; rattly angular things full of crevices for wind to blow through, designed by men who either did not know or did not like each other. The ones that had had heat were the ones in the sun. But with the heat coursing out of Velma’s Jeep’s vents, she could have brought home a pizza or a bucket of chicken without them getting cold. He could really go for some chicken right now. He leaned over the vents letting them shoot the warm air up his sleeves and across his back. His eyelids drooped. He wondered if some weird part of the body secreted some kind of happy hormone when you had greasy noodles, or good coffee, or the rush of hot air across your cold, soaked back.

“Freddy told me what happened.”

Carp, thought Norville. He tried to think quickly, what excuse could be come up with for having been such a jerk to their longtime friend?

“I told him he had it coming.”

“What?”

“He came to me looking for sympathy and I told him he had it coming, you telling him off like that. He was a selfish jerk who didn’t have a problem bumming food from you and yet him still expecting you to treat him like he was a huge celebrity. Then I told him if he was looking for someone to blame for all his problems he could go home and look in the mirror.”

Norville was incredulous.

“You really said all that?”

Velma was silent for a moment.

“No…I didn’t. That was what I wanted to say, but I just couldn’t. After he told me I just stood there silently, wanting to, but I didn’t have the heart.”

Norville gave a weak wan smile as Velma continued.

“It didn’t matter…while I was standing there not saying anything I guess he read me well enough to know what I was thinking.”

“Was he mad?”

“I thought he’d explode. But he just kind of…shrunk, like a balloon that’s gone wrinkly. Then he left.”

Norville just sat there, not sure what to think. He was elated to find that Vel wasn’t mad or worse–disappointed. He felt vindicated that she backed him up–or was at least willing to. But surprisingly, he mostly felt sorry for Freddy. Vel was always the one everyone turned to when they didn’t feel like they had a friend on the entire planet–because she never gave up one you. Yeah, Fred had turned into a big, alcoholic, womanizing jerk that took advantage of his friends, but….

Velma put her hand on Norville’s.

“Why don’t we get something to eat?”

Chapter 5

May 21

Overheard: 30 year old female

“I got a lot to do; gotta go home, gotta beat some kids.”

May 20

What do we do when a horse bucks us off?

My friend The Dread Pirate Rob has a passel of small children. One day the three year old fell down and hurt himself. Rob comforted him and also used the opportunity as a teaching moment, encouraging him to pick himself back up instead of just crying and waiting for help.

“What do we do when a horse bucks us off?”

His son answered quickly and decidedly.

“Shoot it!”

May 17

Overheard: 65 year old female

“Did you have a frozen toe last night?”

May 14

Fiddle Songs vs. Cocaine Songs

ocms_venn_diagram

May 09

Voltron Tech Support: Episode #1

Chat Screen: 

Steve: They just wouldn’t listen.

Dave: I know, right?

Incoming Call: Nancy

Chat Screen: 

Dave: Carp, it’s Nancy. BRB

Call Log:

Dave: Voltron Tech Support, this is Dave, how can I help you?

Nancy: My lion won’t work.

Dave: Excuse me?

Nancy: My lion won’t work and I need it working right now.

Dave: Okay. Which lion are you in?

Nancy: What?

Dave: Which lion are you in right now?

Nancy: I don’t know. How would I know that?

Dave: What color is it?

Nancy: Red.

Dave: All right, give me just a second while I look up the specs on your lion.

Nancy: Mine’s the oldest lion in Voltron.

Dave (rolls eyes): …

Dave: Oookay, it looks like you are the left arm of Voltron. What is your lion not doing?

Nancy: It’s not working!

Dave: Right. How is it specifically not working?

Nancy: It won’t turn on.

Dave: How did you get it in arm-position?

Nancy: It turns on as a lion, but it doesn’t turn on as an arm.

Dave: All right. Please unplug the red lion–.

Nancy: I already did that.

Dave: Let me finish, please. Unplug the red lion from Voltron and wait 30 seconds and plug it back in.

Nancy: (grumbling) I don’t have time for this.

Chat Screen: 

Dave: yo

Steve: ya?

Dave: Apparently 30 seconds is too long to wait to undock and redock a 3 ton piloted flying animatronic lion giant robot arm.

Steve: LOLOLOLOL

Call Log: 

Dave: How’s it going, Nancy?

Nancy: Just a minute…

[WHIRR, VVVT-VVVT, KA-CHUNK.  BOOP BOOOP BEEP]

Nancy: Hey, it’s working. Why’d it do that?

Dave: It just does that once in a while.

Nancy: [grumble grumble]

End Call: Nancy

Chat Screen: 

Dave: I’m back

Steve: That took forever.

Dave: Good thing calling and rebooting was faster than just rebooting 😐

May 07

Iron Snow

Thunk!

The sound woke me immediately from the weird dream I was having. It was a distinct ‘thunk’–the sound of something hitting the back porch.

Check the clock–245am. Someone must be trying to get into the house. I got up, pulled on some clothes, and stepped out of the bedroom and checked the back door–still secure.

What could have made that ‘thunk?’ Maybe I just dreamed it. I went to the bathroom and then decided to take a look outside before I went back to bed. Then I realized what made the thunk.

We had gotten about four inches of snow on top of all my freshly leafy maple trees, felling thigh-thick branches all over the yard. The same trees The Baby and I had worked so hard to save from the snow back in February. As I peered through the wreckage I saw something scary–both vehicles were in imminent danger of having branches fall on them.

I threw on some more clothes and ran outside into the driving snow, dodging the unfallen branches most likely to kill a guy. I started with the car, since it is more important, scraping the snow off and entering through the passenger side and then driving it down the street away from the trees.

I was about to move the Jeep, but it was almost entirely enveloped in low hanging branches. I ran in to get Elsa. When I got to the porch, the branch above the Jeep collapsed, hitting the roof of the Jeep. If I had not gone to get Elsa, it might have clobbered me.

Finally I got in and got the Jeep moved. I was the tech on-call for the week, and I knew calling in wasn’t an option for me. I got my stuff together and left the house at 3am.

It was so bad I drove 15mph on 13 Highway. The interstate was clearer so I was able to double my speed, though the visibility was still terrible. By the time I got to Oak Grove I was up to 45mph, and by Independence I was at 55. It wasn’t even snowy. As I got into Kansas City it looked like they had simply gotten a nice rain. Still, I was thankful for only a two hour drive.

The real irony was that I was supposed to be off that day to go see Iron Man 3 with Heather and Stickler. The three of us had gone out for breakfast and then to the movie on the opening days of the previous two Iron Mans.

Still, it could have been worse. During the last blizzard the tech had to sleep on a makeshift cot in the IT office.