Recently I was held at gunpoint encouraged to write a Christmas list. It made Heather LOL*, so I have decided to share portions of it. As it is more blessed to give than to receive, I don’t want any of you to be blessed, and therefore I have removed all the info about where to buy–this is strictly for your amusement.
*LOL seems pretty dumb to use when someone literally laughs out loud, eh?
MadMan Dan’s Christmas List 2008
Look, buddy, or buddy-ette, whoever you are: I already told you not to get me anything, but the very fact that you are reading this shows that you have chosen to ignore me.
So fine, go ahead and buy me something.
I only want you to be happy.
If you’re still with me after the previous denials and passive-aggressive statements, here is the list. Just so I don’t have to custom-type this for each person (everyone wants to buy me presents, you know), I am lumping everything I want on here, big or small, reasonable or unreasonable.
In fact, you have probably bought me some very nice things in the past, for which I did not write you a nice thank you card.
You can still stop reading.
But I only want you to be happy.
I have included prices just so you don’t waste a bunch of time looking for something just to find it is either:
a. too expensive and who does this MadMan guy think he is?
b. too cheap and is he trying to make me look cheap?
1. Book shelves. Good ones so as to hold lots of books. I need book shelves because I have so many books. I swear, it would be cheaper at this point to get addicted to heroin, because they have free programs to wean you off of the stuff, but there’s no cure for book addiction. My current bookshelf contains books, which are stacked in such a way as to hold up more shelves, which in turn hold up more books.
2. Plunge router. Just in case I don’t get bookshelves for Christmas, I need a plunge router so I can make book shelves.
3. Bench vise. What guy doesn’t need a vise? Also, you can use it to make bookshelves
4. TV Set. I don’t want a new TV. Really. I was so content with my old one. I don’t need HD, I don’t even watch television—broadcast or cable. But I have an X-Box and a DVD player, which I enjoy very much. Or did, rather. The viewable area on my TV is now so thin it makes Yao Ming look like Mini-Me. At any rate, don’t buy me a TV; that’s dumb, they’re expensive, and I’m not asking you to. If I can’t play X-Box, then I will be forced to read books, which I don’t have nearly enough of (see 1 & 2).
5. Roll of cowhide leather. With said leather, I will use it to make books. No, I’m not kidding.
6. Griffin Technology iTalk iPod voice recorder. I have a long commute: it’s an hour each way. I have a lot of time to think, but no safe way of writing down my thoughts. However, I have an iPod that I love more than life itself. Griffin makes the best voice recorder attachment, and it would allow me to record thoughts as I have them.
7. Books. Have I mentioned how much I love books? The current form factor we use was invented over 2,000 years ago by the Romans, who called it a codex. But not just any old books: specific old books. And some new ones, too. However, I realize that books are expensive, which is why, despite my love of books, I rarely buy myself new ones.
a. The Oxford English Dictionary. This thing is 20 volumes, weighs in at about 5o pounds, and costs about 1,000 bucks. So don’t buy me it. I mean it.
b. My Word Is My Bond. By Sir Roger Moore. Yes, that Roger Moore.
c. Be the Coolest Dad on the Block. By Simon Rose. In point of fact I already am the coolest dad on the block; I just need this book so I can see if this guy is copying me.
d. You’ll Have That, Volumes 1 & 2. By Wes Molebash
8. Blackthorn bush. Blackthorn is a shrub that grows in the UK, and the Irish use it to make shillelaghs. I intend to do the same thing, but the stuff’s so hard to get ahold of I decided to grow my own. It is also known as Sloeberry, because it grows sloe berries, which the Irish use to make sloe gin and get likkered up. Even further, the shrub is also known by its Latin name as Prunus Spinosa. The Latins used it to make daggers with which to stab caesars. The only place I have found it available in America is http://www.forestfarm.com, and it runs about $20.
9. Bottled beverages. No, not those kind of bottled beverages. Simply soda in bottles with bottlecaps; it stays the fizziest. The following are available from. I’ll be your best friend for a single bottle, so there’s no need to overdo it.
- Apple Beer. Beer like root beer, not like beer beer. But with apples.
- Coca Cola. Yes, plain old Coke.
10. Movies on DVD. Yeah, I know my TV’s broke, but maybe I could come to your house and watch movies?
- Murder By Death. It has Peter Falk in it, so you know it’s good.
- Samurai Jack Season 1.
- Empire of the Sun.
- Much Ado About Nothing. Yeah, the one with Keanu Reeves.
- Young Indiana Jones Chronicles Volume II
- Father Goose. The Carey Grant classic.
- White Christmas. So I like a musical; you wanna make something of it?
- The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. Buy one for yourself, and I promise you will love it. You deserve it.
11. Bowler derby hat. I can’t join the Stan Laurel Appreciation Society without one. My favorite is the Belfry Deuce-Stingy Brim Bowler.
12. Computer vacuum. I work on computers. A lot. They are usually full of dust, which is full of dead human skin cells. After a lot of research I think I found the perfect one: Metropolitan Vacuum(R) DataVac(R) 3-In-1 Cordless Computer Vacuum.
13. Swissbit 1GB USB Swiss Army Knife. Best knife in the world. If you’re an I.T. guy anyway. Which I am. Good luck finding the thing.
14. Seagate or WD 7200rpm external 250GB USB/FireWire hard drive. This is more of a need than a want. However, it’s like $100. Still, a $5 gift card to [redacted] would be just fine. Really.
15. Tow hitch for my car. Several years ago one of my awesome in-laws bought me a 14 foot aluminum V-bottom boat. I love the thing, but I got no way to haul it around. Hence, the tow bar. What does it cost? Heck if I know.
16. Coleman 1 Watt 3-AAA LED flashlight. Model # 2000000986.
17. USB to IDE/SATA hard drive adapter. Again more of a need than a want. Runs about $20. Any brand is fine.
18. Black Jeans. I need jeans, I love black. Any brand is good, size 34w x 32l. Regular fit or loose fit—no bell bottoms or boot cut. Oh, is that too specific for you, Mr. I Like Hippy Jeans? Fine then—don’t buy me any jeans. I’ll just run around butt nekkid.
Still stumped? Find my choices morally objectionable? Did I mention you don’t need to get me anything? I mean, the economy is in the toilet, you know.
But I just want me to be happy.
I mean you.
Comments are closed.