MadMania

Before my wife met me she had gone on a date with some dude, no doubt neither as smart or handsome as me, and they went to see Mike Myers’s So I Married an Axe Murderer. She said it was so boring that she fell asleep.

Years later when I started my current job, Jimmy talked incessantly about how hilarious this movie was. I never could find it to rent it, and was so close to buying it a couple of times. Anyway, now that we have Netflix, we watched it. More accurately, we watched the first 20 minutes and then decided to watch something else.

Now I can see why Heather fell asleep the first time she saw it.

Warning: this story is not for the squeamish.

My friend Timmy was driving down the road. He was also just getting over a cold, and he had to cough. When he coughed, he coughed up some phlegm. While he would have normally just spat it out the window, he hesitated, as he had just washed his car.

“I’ll just hold it in my mouth until I get to the light, then spit it out,” he thought.

But the thought of the phlegm on his tongue grossed him out and made him gag. When he gagged, he coughed again, and accidentally spat  the phlegm onto his pants. He reached down to get something to wipe his pants off, and when he did, hit the curb and blew out his tire.

The first time Jimmy told me this, I laughed so hard I could hardly walk; I even LOL’d again as I was writing this.

I don’t usually try to moralize any of the stories I post here; I just record them. However, I can think of two quotes that apply really well here. The first, from Uncle Remus (pulled completely out context):

“Big man, little man, spit where you please.”

And the second and more applicable, from Mel Brooks:

“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.”

Several years ago Jimmy, Timmy, and I were discussing profanity. Jimmy, who almost never uses profanity, mentioned this:

“I don’t like to swear; however, I really like the word ‘#$@*!‘ It just sounds cool.”

Later in the day while we were getting ready to leave for lunch, Jimmy was taking a long time and we were standing around waiting for him.

“Man, he’s taking forever,” I said.

“Yeah,” said our mutual friend Timmy. ”He’s a #$@*!”

Note: names have been changed to protect the guilty.