Apr 29 2017

I fixed the clock and bulbs in my Toyota

I drive a 2005 Toyota Corolla which I adore. Unfortunately, ever since I purchased it in 2013 it has had trouble with the clock sometimes working and sometimes staying dark. You can buy replacements, but they run around $60 for a used clock.


Then I found a link to DC HomeMaker, where the author mentioned that she fixed hers herself. It really is as simple as she describes. All you need is a soldering iron and a couple screwdrivers.

Here is the result:

While I was doing it I also replaced the bulbs behind the climate control knobs with LEDs from SuperBright LEDs in Earth City, MO. The ones you want are the NEO4-NWHP: 4mm NEO4-xHP Natural White.

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Feb 12 2016


A few weeks ago my friend Jeff rolled over 300,000 miles on his car. I mentioned to him that I was just about to roll 300k on my Toyota. A few days ago when my girls were both home from college I noticed I was just 24 miles of my milestone, so we got in the car and went for a drive. We often make late night drives throughout the year, talking, snacking, joking, listening to music at levels Heather and Elsa disapprove of.

We wandered for 23 miles and then headed home. The odometer stayed at 299,999. We rolled through town, around the school, back down our street, back up to Walmart. Still at 299,999. Just for giggles I googled “Toyota Corolla 299,999.” Turns out it’s a known issue:


Now I’m stuck there forever.

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Oct 30 2013


My wife is so selfish.

She doesn’t take her phone with her when she gets out at 3am to go to the gym. Therefore I can’t text her to bring me donuts. I’m starving. My stomach is about to burst out of my middle like in that sci-fi movie with the aliens in it, the one where the alien bursts out of that guy’s middle (I don’t remember the name of the movie).

Anyway, I’m starving and need donuts.

“Maybe you could eat something else,” you might foolishly say. My old boss Tom Runge didn’t call me “Something Else Dan,” he called me “Donut Dan,” and with good reason: I used to eat three glazed donuts every morning washed down with a whole quart of whole milk. Get it? A. Whole. Quart. Not flipping 2% milk.

Now I’m lactose intolerant. I can’t even drink that hazy water they market as Skim Milk. I have to use Double Ultra Skim on my cereal–I can’t even drink the stuff or I’ll be in a fetal position clutching the aforementioned stomach that now requires donuts.

My dad couldn’t drink milk either. He beat stomach cancer like a boss, but one of the side effects was an inability to drink milk or eat real ice cream. The other side effect was having a tiny stomach–he could only eat like three bites and then he was all, “Whoa, I’m stuffed.”

Back to donuts.

“You could just get in the car and go get some,” a foolish person might say. No, I can’t–my selfish wife took my car. You know, the one I drive to work. Just because it has a heater and she is chronically cold (maybe if she ate more donuts and stopped going to the gym, both of these problems could be solved).

“You could take the Jeep,” another foolish person might say. Where do all these foolish people come from? If you are one of these people, please don’t tell me–I don’t want to know this about you. But no, I can’t take the Jeep–or to phrase it properly, Heather’s Jeep. I need both of my arms attached. Duh. One time I took Heather’s Jeep .25 mile away to McDonald’s while she was at a wedding shower. She was all,


And I was all,

“Honey, put down the knife. It’s a Jeep–they’re made to drive on only three wheels–they’re tough like that.”

The mud didn’t help either. I tried the ‘It’s A Jeep,’ excuse again, but she wasn’t buying it. And I had the dangdest time getting the mud out of the Jeep–not to mention the stuff on the outside of the Jeep.

Then the third foolish person shows up. Great, now we have enough for a caucus.

“Maybe you could drive the old Chrysler.”

No. That is the stupidest idea ever. I’m not going to drive a car that messy.

The Chrysler is littered with donut wrappers.

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