Mar 23 2015

Foerster’s Syndrome

When the surgeon began to manipulate the tumor, affecting those sensitive structures, the (conscious) patient burst into a manic flight of puns.”

From a weird article at Wikipedia

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Apr 28 2014

Trolling the Daughter


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Dec 13 2011

Worst. Vacation. Ever. pt. 2

Part 1 is here.

At St. Mary’s they put me on a different medicine, but my heart still wasn’t acting right, and they said they were going to have to put me under and hit me with the defibrillator to reset my heartbeat. CLEAR!

Since they had to put me under, that meant no food. It also meant no coffee. It was about lunch time now and I hadn’t had either all day. My vacation was ruined, I was starving, and I had a massive caffeine headache. I started to develop a bad attitude. On top of that the nurses came in periodically to stab me or rip some more of my arm hair or chest hair out.

Ba-bm, bum, …., BBBBM!

Later in the afternoon I had some visitors: The Bob and Bruce. Bruce had to be hospitalized for months due to a kidney tumor, a faulty heart valve, and a complication from surgery from which he literally almost died. Bob had had a heart transplant just four years before.

“Do you know how you know you have a lying heart?” The Bob asked seriously.

“Um, it’s in the Bible?” I couldn’t think of the verse. Jeremiah, maybe?

“No–it’s A-FIBBER!

Bruce and The Bob exploded with laughter. Not only was I spending my vacation in the hospital and being starved and coffee-deprived and depilated–but now I had to endure puns.

“You know,” The Bob said, “You really do have a lot to be thankful for; this could have been so much worse.”

“Yep,” I said flatly. I was trying to ignore the very audible rhythmic clockwork tick of Bruce’s mechanical heart valve.

“That sounds like mental assent instead of heart acceptance.”

“Yep,” I said again. I was in a bad mood and I didn’t want someone ruining it by counting my many blessings. And don’t get me started on Bruce. Sure, we had a lot of laughs when I visited him in the hospital, but this was entirely different.

A couple hours later the medicine finally worked its magic, and my heart started beating normally. I was finally allowed some food, but no coffee.

That night was the first–and only night so far–that I have spent in the hospital as a patient. I was awakened in the middle of the night by my roommate’s bladder, and the small circus that resulted as nurses and care assistants piled in to deal with the situation. Apparently the collective noun for nurses is a clown car.

An hour later I was awakened again so another nurse could stab me in the belly with a needle.

A couple hours later, more bladdericious fun.

The next day I had more tests–and finally–some flippin’ coffee.

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Sep 20 2010

Review: Big D’z Dawgz

Besides being uncomfortable to type, Big D’z Dawgz is a food vendor that can be found during the week on Holmes street between Children’s Mercy Hospital and UMKC Med School in Kansas City, Missouri.

Due to an imposed hot dog and french fry diet earlier in my life, I didn’t eat hot dogs with any regularity or preference until 2007 when Heather and I went to Chicago and stopped at Portillo’s, when I had my first Chicago-style dog (mustard, onions, peppers, tomato, and pickle). It was amazing.

Big D’z, as you might have guessed, is a hot dog vendor. No, you can’t get a Chicago-style dog, nor a Carolina-style dog (onions, coleslaw, and chili). But you can get a big quarter pound beef hot dog.

I ordered a dog, which was $4.25. The only condiments that were available were ketchup, mustard, and relish. But at least they have dill relish, which is worlds better than the standard sweet pickle relish you find everywhere.

When I sat down to eat, I found two surprises:

  1. The dog was cold. I don’t mean that the surface cooled on my transit from the vendor to my desk; I mean the inside was cold
  2. The dill relish I slathered on my dog was actually sweet relish that had been put into a dill relish bottle.

I know it’s wrong to pun, but I want to share my unhappiness.

I didn’t relish the experience.

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