Aug 7 2009

Review: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

Fifteen minutes into the midnight showing of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra the film burned and broke.

That was my favorite part of the movie.

No, I’m not kidding.

If I hadn’t been there with my children and students I would have walked out shortly after they got it back up and running.

I can say without exaggeration that I hated every minute of this movie.

To call it a steaming pile of poo would be to besmirch the good name of steaming piles of poo.

I know I’ve given some movies some bad reviews on this site. Some angry, scathing reviews. All of those movies were better than this. Even The Happening. Even Jumper. Even Paul Blart: Mall Cop.

My friend Clavis was there, and he said that he has been bored enough to rent several of  the cheezy movies at Redbox, and this was worse than all of them.

I went into this movie with low expectations. After all, it’s directed by Stephen Sommers, the guy who gave us Van Helsing back in 2004. I don’t think it’s humanly possible to set expectations low enough.

There are words to describe exactly how I feel about this movie. Those words are called profanity. Speaking of profanity, G.I. Joe has lots of it, so you might not wanna take your kids. I haven’t yet gotten an up-close look at the Hasbro toys based on the movie, but hopefully for the sake of accuracy they have one with a voice chip that takes God’s name in vain.

There are also several graphic scenes that aren’t suitable for children, including one guy who gets giant needles stabbed in his neck, has a seizure, and gets his face eaten off by nanobots, which resemble a flesh-eating green mist.

That’s it for the spoiler-free portion of the review. Now that I have given you how I felt, the following details why:

Duke and Ripcord are a couple of Army guys. They get thrown into G.I. Joe, a secret classified elite fighting force, a group so big on secrecy they bring these two noobs to their secret base.

It’s a good thing, too. Apparently this ultra-elite fighting force consists of people who, unlike Wolverine, aren’t the best they are at what they do. Duke and Ripcord are pretty much better than this entire team, with the exception of Snake Eyes.

That’s OK though–shortly after joining the team the two noobs get special effects accelerator suits that make them almost as good as Snake Eyes. They don’t need special suits to be smarter than alleged smart-girl heroine Scarlett.

For you needless flashback fans out there, this is your Holy Grail.

If you aren’t tired of CGI special effects yet, then maybe this movie will cure that for you. This movie has so many explosions and fireballs it makes the complete Michael Bay anthology tepid and quaint.

Destro and his team use holographs to communicate to each other. Of course the point of a hologram is to be able to communicate with another human, and vice versa. In quite possibly the stupidest point in the movie, three holograms ride on a submarine together with no other humans in the craft. And no, I am not making this up or even exaggerating one quanta.

Also, ice sinks in water. Make a note of it.

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Aug 3 2009

Review: A Matter of Loaf and Death

loafanddeathI’ve been a big fan of Wallace & Gromit ever since Heather and I saw The Wrong Trousers in a tiny-screened art house theater. The kids grew up on the original three shorts, and we loved Curse of the Wererabbit as well. However, none of us much cared much for Nick Park’s latest, A Matter of Loaf and Death.

If you are looking for the classic, steady, careful pacing seen in Trousers, you will be disappointed. Overall, Loaf felt as if it had been hastily assembled, and the pacing jumped from shot to shot, almost as if just enough was animated to convey a thought and then they moved on.

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Jun 29 2009

Review: Igor

igor

My patience for bad movies and even less-than-awesome movies is diminishing quickly. To that end, my reviews for bad movies will grow smaller also; it’s bad enough to lose 90-120 minutes of your life to a bad movie, but why give it the attention you would give a good movie when you really just want to warn people not to see it?

Anyway, here is my review of the animated flick Igor:

It stinks.

The plot is dumb, the characters are unlikeable, it’s trying oh-so-hard to be Tim Burtonesque, and it ranks down there with other road apples like Doogal and Arthur and the Invisibles.

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Jan 21 2009

Making it right

As an apology to moviegoers everywhere, M. Night Shyamalan has been touring the country visiting with people and offering to make things right with everyone who saw The Happening–by letting them kick him in the crotch.

“I figure I have it coming,” said a hobbling Shyamalan. “That movie really was a turd sandwich.”

Shyamalan is referring to his 2008 movie The Happening, in which plants force some people to commit suicide.

“Really, if you think about it, the film is kind of autobiographical: the movie is kind of like the plants, and it, like, makes people prefer death to life. Or at least, death to watching The Happening.

Shyamalan said this right before he was doubled over by a hefty middle-aged woman.

“What I meant to say was, I am so sorry.”

We are too.

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Jan 19 2009

Review: Worst movie I saw in 2008

I have found that it is certainly much easier to write a list than to actually try to assemble words into sentences and sentences into words, so on that note:

The Top Ten Six Reasons why M. Night Shyamalan’s The Happening Is Terrible
(contains spoilers, but they aren’t as spoily as watching this movie)

  1. Zooey Deschanel has only one expression.
  2. Though an eight year-0ld child is one of the central characters, no-one around her including her father makes any attempt to shield her from the plethora of people committing suicide in grisly detail right in front of her.
  3. The crazy old lady at the end of the movie served no purpose whatsoever.
  4. While dozens of other people go through elaborate, calculated planning in order to commit suicide in the most painful way possible, the aforementioned crazy old lady tries to commit suicide by walking into a wall. Repeatedly.
  5. Apparently plants don’t like nuclear power. They appear to be fine with hydroelectric power (which drowns vast acres of plants), coal (which causes acid rain), and solar (which creates amazing toxins in the photovoltaic cell creation process). But not nuclear power (which vents water into the air).
  6. At the end of the movie when Mark Wahlberg and Zooey Deschanel walk outside despite the fact that not only are they possibly damning themselves to suicide, but they are also damning an eight year-old girl to the same fate.
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Dec 18 2008

Review: Jumper

I was kind of apprehensive about seeing Jumper, as it starred Hayden Christensen, whom I despised from the Star Wars prequels. However, my brother, who generally has  good taste in movies, liked it alot and after much cajoling convinced me to see it.

This was the second worst movie I saw this year.

The main turd-in-the-Coke isn’t actually Hayden Christensen: it’s his character.

Spoilers follow.

He plays a kid in high school who suddenly finds that he can teleport. He uses this power to break into bank vaults and steal piles of money, beat up bullies who picked on him in school, and impress a girl. Samuel L. Jackson plays a mean guy who tries to kill him.

Early in the movie it is quite evident that his character is a lying, evasive, deceitful jerkface. But after everything he goes through, he finally learns that–well, nothing. He doesn’t learn anything; he remains the same jerk at the end of the movie as he was at the beginning of the movie. He is absolutely the most irritating protagonist since that guy in Drum Line. That is bad enough, but the real clincher is: his chicky leaves him because–guess what–he is a lying, evasive, deceitful jerkface–but then she comes back. Why?

Finally, Samuel L. Jackson fails to kill Hayden Christensen–something he should have done in Star Wars: Episode 2.

So, save yourself two hours of your life you will never ever get back and skip Jumper.

But, you may say, what will I do with my time?

Well, you could always start a blog where you spoil movies other people really like.

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