Feb 11 2010

I am not a chubby chaser

So I had been reading Harry Potter to the Air Marshall’s daughter for over an hour (30 minutes on the tarmac, 3o minutes in the air) and man, my throat was dry. What do we have to drink? Milk, water, and Diet Sprite (Princess Butterface is underage, and as her “companion” I too am forbidden from getting a decent beverage).

So I quit reading. The Princess insisted that I continue. I politely declined, citing the aforementioned dry throat.

She started to narrow her eyes, but then she seemed to be just fine. I just sat back and rested for the first time this whole flight.

Out of the corner of my eye I see the Princess look down the aisle, almost like she’s watching for something. Finally curiosity gets the better of me and I lean over a little to see what she’s staring at. When I do, she spins around and puts a kiss-lock on me. I pull myself away just in time to see her dad, Air Marshal So-and-So, and he don’t look happy.

No wonder what she was watching for.

It looks bad for me, but what’s he going to do? Charge me with something for kissing his daughter?

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Feb 11 2010

I’m not doing it, AND I MEAN IT.

Chapter One

The Boy Who Lived

Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much. They were the last people you’d expect….

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Feb 10 2010

I’m not doing it

I’m not doing it. I am NOT doing this. They led me to believe that this chick was totally hot, and it is not true. I am not reading Harry Potter to this girl.

So I pushed the button to summon the stewardess and she shows up and I ask her to please ask Air Marshal So-And-So to come here, as I would like to speak to him.

A few minutes later he shows up, all grins.

“What can I do ya for?” he asks.

I’m feeling pretty safe since we’re in the air now.

“Well, Marshall,” I start out politely, “I am not reading this book to your daughter.”

“No?”

“No.”

“Well, before you make yer final decision, I’d like ya to take a look at this.”

And with that statement he drops his newspaper in my lap.

BRITISH AUTHOR DETAINED AT AIRPORT

They detained her?

And then he smiles.

I don’t care. I’m not doing it. I am not reading Harry Potter to this guy’s adult daughter.

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Feb 10 2010

Too good to be true

I promised Mr. Poynter I would keep these posts fairly clean since they’re on his blog, so it’s hard for me to find the words to express my. uncontrollable. rage. at. this. point.

Let’s just say that apparently if you model plus-size swimwear you are still technically considered a swimsuit model.

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Feb 9 2010

Could it get better?

So I’m sitting there in first class enjoying my complimentary beverage and the stewardess comes up and says, “Oh, I see you are sitting with Marshal So-And-So,” and I say, “Why yes, I am.”

And then she says, “Well, his daughter should be here soon. She’s on her way to the Caribbean.”

“How about that,” I say, just being polite. Extra polite–we haven’t left the ground yet, and I don’t want to jinx it.

And then very casually, she adds:

“Yes. She’s a swimsuit model.”

Oh. My.

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Feb 9 2010

Movin’ up

Man, that almost turned ugly for a second. First, I can’t believe anyone legitimately thinks I’m that guy from Harry Potter, and second, I still can’t believe that guy used his muscle as an Air Marshal to make me read to his daughter on the plane.

But, you know what they say about silver linings: apparently as an Air Marshal, he and his guests don’t have to fly coach, so I am blogging this from First Class, baby! Booyah!

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Feb 8 2010

I’m not Daniel Radcliffe

So, like, my so-called friends say I look like Harry Potter, on account of my youthful appearance and resemblance to Daniel Radcliffe.

So anyway, I’m in line at the airport. I’ve already got my ticket and made it through the gate and I’m just about to step onto the plane and the Air Marshal pulls me aside. I’m like, crud, man, because, I cannot miss this flight, cuz my cruise leaves tonight.

He says, “It’s really great to meet you! You know, my daughter just loves your movies.”

“Look,” I said, “I’m not an actor. I’m just a regular guy trying to make his flight.”

“Yeah, that’s what I’d say if I was famous,” he replies.

I just stand there looking stupid, because it’s simultaneously stupid and logical.

“I would really appreciate it if you would read the first book to my daughter on the flight,” he says, smiling really big.

So now I know John put him up to this or something, so I say, “Heck no! I’m on vacation, and I’m not spending my first two hours of freedom reading to some kid!”

The smile disappears. Either this guy is really, really good, or….

“I’m sorry to hear that,” he says bitterly, eyes narrowing. And then he turns to one of his several deputies who have started to crowd around. I realize I have about 2 seconds to keep from missing this flight.

“Hey, I’m sorry,” I say contritely. “For a moment there I forgot the people who made me what I am. I’d love to read to your daughter.”

The smile returns. “I knew I could count on ya!” he says, and personally ushers me onto the plane.

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Feb 8 2010

What’s up?

Hey everybody, B here. Thanks to Mr. Poynter I’ll be using this space to let ya know what’s going on while I’m sailing the crystal waters of the Caribbean.

Enjoy the snow!

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Feb 8 2010

Guest blogger

This week my friend B is going on a cruise. He wanted to keep us up to date, but didn’t want to set up his own blog, so I told him he could just upload posts to mine, so you’ll see those throughout the week.

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