Apr 22 2012

Thank you for the coffee

madman

Dear Nichole,

Thank you so much for the large sampling of Flavia coffee packets. I would write you personally and thank you, but I try not to write personal thank you notes to members of the opposite sex that aren’t from me and Heather. I realize that your kindness will go unthanked, but still I must express my gratitude somehow, and hope that what comes around really does go around.

On the day you gave it, I really needed some coffee. I once killed a man because he came between me and my coffee. I don’t mean that figuratively–he was simply between me and my coffee–and just slightly so, at that. At the trial they asked me why I didn’t just ask him to move. Anyway, I payed my debt to society.

All of the coffees you gave me were nasty, and I hated them all. You told me I would, especially after being spoiled by our marvelous Keurig machine for the last two years. Nonetheless, I appreciate you humoring me by letting me try them anyway. While you did say that Flavia coffee was nasty, I think a more accurate description would be urinesque.

Thanks again,

Dan

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Apr 19 2012

You Know My Name

madman

Casino Royale 3 You Know My Name2006′s Casino Royale, the James Bond flick that introduced Daniel Craig as a new kind of Bond, was the Gandalf the White of 007 movies, if I may mix my metaphors. It was brilliant and new and unusual and better than any of its predecessors.

One of its more unusual features was having a title song (thanks to Chris Cornell) that didn’t sound like some cheezy lounge music with a braying female vocalist. I’m looking at you, ‘Gold-FIIIINNNG-er!’

Anyway, I just figured out today the character from whose point of view the song is written:

 

 

 

 

(spoilers below)

 

 

 

 

The character is M.

How else do you explain these lyrics:

“Arm yourself because no-one else here will save you
The odds will betray you
And I will replace you
You can’t deny the prize it may never fulfill you
It longs to kill you
Are you willing to die?
The coldest blood runs through my veins

You know my name.”

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Apr 16 2012

Review: Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

madman

Nostalgia

You know how you have fond memories of a TV show or movie from when you were young, and when you finally get to see it again as an adult (or in this case, older adult), it isn’t quite how you remembered it? Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s amazing, but some other times, well, not that good. Or awful.

One of the first non-animated movies we got for the girls when they were little was The Goonies; Heather and I both loved that movie. When we sat down to watch it, it was every bit as awesome as we remember (well, maybe not every bit–back then I still held out hope of finding underground passages, booby traps, waterslides, and hidden pirate ships). But there was something neither of us remembered: profanity–and a whole $@#&! lot of it.

Some other memories haven’t fared so well, either. A couple years ago I found Bravestarr on Hulu. If you haven’t seen it, it was a cartoon that was basically a sci-fi western. It was awesome when I was 14. When I watched it recently, the animation and draftsmanship were still amazing, but what else would you expect from Filmation? Everything else, though, was absolutely awful. For so long Heather wanted Greatest American Hero on DVD. We never got it for her, getting her Dukes of Hazzard and MacGyver instead, but she finally found GAH on Netflix. She didn’t even make it through the first episode.

Glory Days

220px Robin hood 1991 Review: Robin Hood: Prince of ThievesBack on topic. The year was 1991. I was in summer classes at CMSU (now UCM), taking Dr. Sample’s Drawing II (three hours a day, three days a week) and Dr. Leuhrman’s Watercolor I (four hours a day, five days a week). I absolutely loved my watercolor class. It was one of the few classes where I actually tried hard to learn, tried to please my instructor, and begged for honest critiques (unlike pretty much every other art class). I only remember a few people from class: Dr. Leuhrman, the instructor, who always wore whites and pastels, and never got a drop of paint on him; some big guy, whose name I can’t remember, but who had a giant mane of jet black hair, a jawline beard, and was one of the few people in art school that made me insanely jealous of his ability; a girl named Ashley; and a cheery young woman named Elsa, whom I would later name my firstborn after. The big hits that summer were Wind of Change by the Scorpions, and Bryan Adams’s Everything I Do, from the summer blockbuster Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves.

I think it was Wilxn , or maybe Wayne, who was with me when I saw the trailer for RHPOT (at the AMC theater inside Bannister Mall…remember Bannister Mall? Back before it went all skeevy and they tore it down?). Wilxn and I went to see it in the theater that summer. It was amazing. I think that was the day we went to the Swap Shop, saw two movies (the other one, I believe, was Mel Gibson’s Hamlet), and probably went just looking around for stuff. We got home late (when didn’t we?), and that was when we realized it really was possible to do too much stuff in one day.

Back to the movie–easily my favorite movie of the whole summer.

Back to the Present

Later I saw it a couple of times on VHS. I know I saw it once with Noodles, whose favorite line was at almost the end of the movie: “Reckanize this?”

A couple weeks ago I picked up a copy of Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves on DVD. I have had Michael Kamen’s amazing soundtrack for years, but I hadn’t seen the movie in at least 17 years. Last night while I was working on a case for my new Bible I popped the movie in.

It was terrible.

The movie is so hammy, so goofy, and what I believe to be unintentionally campy it’s hard to believe I enjoyed it as a serious adventure flick. I’m not going to say anything about the movie’s most frequent complaint–Kevin Costner’s accent–because it didn’t bother me then and it didn’t bother me now.

9 villains who stole the movie 06 300x197 Review: Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

Alan Rickman, who is awesome, chews scenery with the power of a thousand suns. His inflections in so many scenes are so funny, it almost seems like Kevin Reynolds (the director) told him, ‘Hey Alan, can you play the Sheriff of Nottingham kind of like Peter Ustinov played Prince John in Disney’s Robin Hood? That’d be great.’ Rickman’s Sheriff doesn’t just say ‘spoon,’ he says ‘speeooon!’

Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio, whom I remember being very pretty, um, I did not now think was very pretty (of course, all women are less pretty after being married to Heather).

Morgan Freeman was awesome as Azeem. One of my favorite parts of the movie, both as a young buck and now, was the part where Mortiana the witch busts in and and tries to impale Robin, and then Azeem busts in and throws that gigantic scimitar across the entire screen. I remember it caught Wilxn and me so off-guard I think we literally yelled in the theater. I guess we’re the kind of guys that Shakespeare had to make comedy relief for, for fear we’d jump up and stab an actor. Whatever. Lincoln would back me up on this.

Everyone else was fine, whatever. The movie’s real weakness is the goofy script and hammy directing.

 Review: Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

Best part of the entire movie, then and now: the late Michael Kamen’s amazing score (he also did the incredible score for Hudson Hawk). For those of you who don’t think you could pick out anything from the soundtrack aside from Bryan Adams’s Everything I Do, I guarantee you have heard it, usually when you hear  that amazing fanfare accompanying the Magic Kingdom logo at the beginnings of a number of Disney movies.

The DVD Itself

The RHPOT DVD itself, well, is amazingly bad. You actually have to flip the disc over in the middle of the movie. This isn’t like Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring, where the movie is so amazingly long that it literally won’t fit on a single disc, but the producers of the DVD realized this and made an elegant transition for you to get some more popcorn, go to the bathroom, come back and pop in the second disc. With Robin Hood, the disc-flip happens mid-scene.

For those of you out there who want to get into DVD production but you think your low IQ or lack of skill might keep you from realizing your dream, there is hope.

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Apr 13 2012

jesus vs. santans

madman

One of my Facebook friends posted the following graphic:

528723 301195939952122 100001851553132 742846 1314066815 n jesus vs. santans

I didn’t know who or what santans was or were, so I did some googling. It turns out that Santans is a commune in France (not a hippy commune, but our equivalent to a village). It has a population of about 300 people. Here is a picture from their travel page:

royal saltworks 300x200 jesus vs. santans

You would think they would make that cute little flower tree their logo, instead of the horned guy in the picture. Is that Mehrunes Dagon from Oblivion? Is Elder Scrolls really that big over there? I hope so; that would give me something in common with the French besides a love of André the Giant and being rude to people.

At any rate, the town sounds totally adorable.

It makes me sad, however, that I must pit my love of Jesus (or at least European, Catholic, long-haired Jesus) against my love of this little French town I’ve yet to visit.

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Apr 10 2012

fizzlesprung

madman

n., presumably means, ‘malfunctioning.’

A customer called the other day saying, “This darn computer is fizzlesprung.”

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